Idealism Revisited

[Matt]

I've been walking through a book with a few college students called "The Indwelling Life Of Christ" by Major W. Ian Thomas. It's an incredible book! The chapters are short and is ideal for a devotional-type reading. We've had some great discussions each week as we share what God is speaking to us through this book. The college students are all passionate, somewhat idealistic, and refreshing. It's definitely been challenging for me to watch these students and hear their passionate longing for Christ in every area of their lives and for transformation in the church. I relate oh so well with these students. Much of what they say I said when I was in college.

So, the challenge comes in for me when I realize how cynical and sarcastic I've become in my assessment of the church. I knew that my time on staff as a youth pastor at a church jaded me. The struggles I experienced during my time there continues to be something I wrestle with. Just this past summer I realized the bitterness that was in my soul over the pastor and some others that I worked with.

I've been on this process of realizing that I'm holding on to the hurts and wrongs that these others did toward me instead of releasing those hurts (and those people) and agreeing with God in spirit that I am a forgiving person, because Christ through His Holy Spirit indwells my spirit and has made me a new creation.

Watching their passionate explanations about what God is revealing to them through this book and how it applies to their lives and the hopes they have for transformation in the church as well has been sweet to my soul. It's also been hard because I realize much of the idealism that I clung to while on staff at a church has turned to cynicism.

At my ordination, the senior pastor that I served under got up to speak. He told the people who were in attendance that in staff meetings, he regularly sits back and chuckles with some of the other pastors while I talk and they whisper to each other, "Someday Matt, you'll see how it is." He went on to comment on how idealistic I was.

Honestly, this really hurt (obviously since I'm still writing about it a few years after the fact). It wasn't the first time I'd been called an idealist. I think what hurt was that I began to wonder if that would ever leave. It hurt because I began to see the possibility of ending up settling for the way things were because it seemed to always be an uphill battle that couldn't be won. In short, it hurt because I saw the possibility of becoming just like these ministers that I served with (and others that I saw throughout my life) who just did the same old things, settled for ministry as a job, and church as a business.

The pastor who spoke after him was my pastor from college. His part of the ordination service what the "Charge to the Candidate" (basically, a sermon especially for me). :) He continues to serve as a pastor to the church where my wife and I went while were in college and he is also on the Board of Directors for the ministry my wife and I started a few years ago.

He got up and one of the first things out of his mouth was, "Matt, don't ever loose your idealism. I don't know of anyone who loves freedom more than you. Don't ever loose that."

I took these words to heart. I felt understood and accepted. I was so thankful that Billy had come and for the challenging words he spoke to me. However, now that I'm over 3 years removed from that night, I hear the gentle and loving voice of God in my mind. He reminding me that in Him I'm always understood and accepted. Not only am I accepted, but He's accepted me. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm in Him and that's always enough!

The past few weeks have been very difficult for me. Our ministry is close to the end of financial resources and our support base hasn't grown nearly enough to continue going. We are trusting and realizing the power, love, grace, comfort, peace, and life of God in the midst of difficult circumstances. He has given us the "peace that passes understanding" and we're experiencing it. However, this experience is something new.

The reason it's new is because for the past few weeks, I've been wrestling with this though: "Is Christ really enough?" If my circumstances get better, is He enough? If my circumstances never change, is He enough? What more do I need than Christ?

These thoughts have been running around my mind, initiated after a recent reading of Philippians 3 where Paul writes that he counts everything as rubbish in comparison to Christ.

For me, I'm realizing that "everything" includes my successes and failures, my family and myself, my pride and my insecurities...everything that I've ever held onto and tried to find my identity. The sweetness of Christ to me is that He is always enough. The sufficiency of Christ isn't just some nice-sounding thought but rather it's becoming the experienced reality of my life.

If things change, He'll still be enough. If things never change, He's still enough. However, I don't want to think ahead or contemplate the past. I want to rest in Him in this moment, experiencing the depth of His sufficiency in my life right now. As I choose in this moment to depend on Him...I begin to experience the promise of His rest and His abundant life.

He is enough!

Grace & Peace.

[Matt]

Good stuff. Thanks for sharing those thoughts!